


You're Not The Boss of Me!

by grapeflavoredorange



Category: Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Bickering, Family-ish, Gen, I wrote this instead of studying, Kids Being Little Shits, Shenanigans, Smash Mansion, i hope this is better than my last fic, nice day, outdoors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:01:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22882180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grapeflavoredorange/pseuds/grapeflavoredorange
Summary: joker has to spend time with ness and lucas and has a bad timei had this idea after being matched with a ness and a lucas online and they spent more time fighting each other than they did me and instead of writing it right after having the idea i waited until i was at school because i have smooth brain disorderi hope u enjoy bc i actually had fun writing this
Relationships: persona 5 protagonist & bayonetta
Comments: 3
Kudos: 24





	You're Not The Boss of Me!

**Author's Note:**

> i should mention that in my universe (?? i guess) the rest of the phantom thieves r staying w/ joker bc i like writing them and also he can't do his final smash without them so yknow. they're Here. anyways enjoy

On the best days, it seems like everyone is busy.

It had been the first truly nice day in a long time. The sun was bright, the air was warm, the snow had melted, and nature had finally begun to awaken from its slumber. Everyone seemed to be in a good mood, making comments to each other about the weather and their plans to spend time outdoors, to relax and take a break from the normally gloomy weather. Daisy and Palutena planned to start their garden, Robin considered relaxing under a tree with a stack of books, and Link and the Hero fancied a game of chess in the courtyard. They all had something to do, a plan for their own version of a perfect day, uninterrupted by errands or cleaning or fights. Joker and the Phantom Thieves had considered taking this time to finally finish their homework (because after all, not even Smash can interrupt school,) out in the sun, far away from any distractions.

However, the natural order of time didn’t see it that way.

Like schoolwork, scheduled matches didn’t wait for nice weather, which meant that there were still fights, whether the Smashers liked it or not. Yes, this still meant time for relaxing in between, but it wasn’t exactly fun to have your sketching of a bird that had been pecking at the ground for the past hour interrupted by the news that you would have to put everything down to get beaten up. Palutena and Bayonetta’s idle chatting over sparkling juice and tea while they watched the younger fighters playing had been cut off by a match against Simon and Ken, and the surrounding fighters could see the displeasure on their faces as they finished their drinks and stood up to leave. Before they set off, both women stopped to exchange words between their fellow fighters, Bayonetta with Joker, and Palutena with Lucas and Ness.

“Listen, I know you two don’t like him, but can you please just be nice for ten minutes while I do my match?” Palutena whispered anxiously to the two boys. They were playing Go Fish together at a table with playing cards they had stolen from Snake, sipping juice boxes and eating animal crackers as they played. They couldn’t get any more like children, Palutena thought to herself as she waited for their response. Ness wrinkled his nose and Lucas rolled his eyes as they listened to Palutena explain who would be looking after them while she was gone. “Why does Joker have to look after us?” Ness complained. “He doesn’t like us and we don’t like him!” Lucas nodded fervently and added; “He’d just ignore us and do his homework anyways!” Palutena shook her head and put out her hand to quiet them. “He’s finished with his homework, that’s why he’ll be watching you,” she said. “He probably won’t even bother you. We just want to make sure you guys don’t cause too much trouble…” She trailed off, and the two boys sat and thought for a moment while they considered the situation. “Fine,” Ness said. “Just don’t let him treat us like babies.” Palutena smiled. “I knew you’d come around. I’ll be back soon!” She called, turning and walking away. 

“What do you mean, I have to watch Lucas and Ness while you go fight?!” Joker asked incredulously as he stared at Bayonetta in shock. “They’re like, five years younger than me! They can look after themselves!” Bayonetta rubbed her nose with her fingers and looked exasperatedly at the shocked teen standing before her. They were standing under a tree a few feet away from the rest of the Phantom Thieves, who were still doing their schoolwork. “Why can’t you ask literally anyone else?” Joker groaned, crossing his arms and looking away. “Darling, there wasn’t much I could do!” Bayonetta whispered back. “Palutena asked me, and I didn’t have time to think of anyone else.” There was a pause. Joker saw Bayonetta’s desperate eyes, and he looked at his phone to check the time. 11:42. He sighed, put his phone back in his pocket, and looked back at the woman silently pleading with him to answer. He didn’t want to make her late, and the sooner she went, the sooner she would be back… 

“Fine,” he said stubbornly. “But that doesn’t mean I’m going to like it!” Joker glanced up at Bayonetta, hoping she wouldn’t take his sarcasm for disrespect, but she was far from angry. “Thank you!” She gasped, and half-hugged him before turning to leave. “I promise I’ll be back soon!” Joker watched her run up to where Palutena was waiting for her, before sending a quick text to his group chat telling them where he would be for the next ten minutes. He then sighed, bit his lip, and grudgingly made his way over to the picnic table Ness and Lucas were sitting at. They looked up at him as they heard his approaching footsteps, and scowled. “Oh, look,” Ness said sarcastically. “The babysitter is here.” Joker bit his lip and glared back at him. “For your information,” he snapped, “I’m only here because our moms made us-”

“Palutena is NOT my mom!” Lucas cut in, slamming his cards down on the table. “And Bayonetta’s not your mom either!” Joker leaned back, slightly startled by the boy’s sudden anger. “Looks like I touched a nerve there,” he said, sitting down on a bench next to the table, pulling out his phone, and reading the responses in the group chat. No more than five seconds later, Ness suddenly cut in again. “What’s that?” He asked, pointing at the device in Joker’s hand. “That’s my phone?” He replied, confused. “Does it have games on it?” Lucas chimed in, snickering. Joker sighed, sent another text to the group chat (“he just fucking asked me if i had games on my phone, kms”), and looked back up at the two boys, now smirking at the teen’s frustration. “No, it doesn’t and even if it did, what makes you think I’d let you have it?” He snapped. Lucas giggled again and replied; “Because we’re the kids, and the babysitter has to let the kids play with their stuff.” 

Joker clenched his teeth and glanced at his phone screen again. How had it only been three minutes? “I thought you guys were too old for a babysitter,” he said sarcastically. The boys narrowed their eyes at him. “Just let us play our cards, idiot.” Ness hissed. Joker pressed his lips together and went back to his phone, listening to the two playing their game.

“Do you have any 3’s?”  
“Go fish.”  
“Do you have any Queens?”  
“Yeah, but I’m not giving them to you!”  
“You have to, idiot! Those are the rules!”  
“The rules don’t say anything about giving cards to morons!”  
“Give me your cards.”  
“Give him your cards or I’m telling Palutena.”  
“Fine. Do you have any 5’s?”  
“Hey wait a second! Since I took cards from you, I get to go again!”  
“That’s not fair!”  
“You’re not fair!”  
“Do you have any 4’s?”  
“Go fish.”  
“Dang it! Another 3! Wait-”  
“Got any 3’s?”  
“You suck.”  
“You suck!”

Joker sighed deeply as he listened to Ness and Lucas bickering. As far as he knew, they only seemed to get along when they were annoying him. He watched Chrom and Lucina friendly sparring in the courtyard longingly, wondering why it was he who had to deal with this. Would they even notice if he got up and left? No, no, it would be too risky. They’d snitch on him in a second. But yet again, what would the punishment even be? Lucas was right, as much as she felt like it, Bayonetta wasn’t his mom, and neither was Palutena. It’s not like they could punish him. But getting up and leaving would give Ness and Lucas the satisfaction of making him break, and Joker definitely didn’t want that, either.

Joker checked his phone again. Only 11:50? How had time been passing so slowly? He glanced over at Ness and Lucas’ picnic table, only to notice that they weren’t there anymore. Great. Where did those two little weasels run off to? With a sigh, Joker stood up, put his phone in his pocket, and set off to find them. It didn’t take him long to find the two boys standing at a large, lone rock at a clearing near the forest, holding a magnifying glass over a piece of paper. Was there any stereotypical 90s kid thing that they wouldn’t do? Joker bit his lip and slowly made his way over towards the rock, feeling an odd sense of dread in his stomach. “What are you doing now?” He called out to them. They looked up at him, frowning. “We didn’t invite you over here, you know!” Lucas yelled. Joker was about to retaliate, but he noticed Ness’s hand that was holding the magnifying glass had moved, and the beam was now shining on the center of his hand. “Relax, I’m just making sure you guys aren’t dead,” he said. “That would be irresponsible of me, wouldn’t it?” Lucas glared at him and put his hands on his hips, now ignoring the paper and the rock. “We’re not gonna die! In fact, we know more about exploring than you ever will!” He argued, sticking his tongue out at the amused teen. Joker glanced at Ness’ hand again, seeing a faint circle beginning to show on the skin. “Oh, I’m not hoping to explore anything,” he said, trying to distract them, to see how long they would go without noticing Ness’ hand burning. “Again, I just want to make sure you guys are safe. Palutena wouldn’t like it if you guys broke the rules and went into the forest alone, after all.” He leaned against a tree, watching Lucas’ facial expression change from confusion, to realization, to anger. “What are you gonna do about it though?!” He shouted back. “You’re not the boss of me! You don’t know anything!” Joker chuckled loftily and pulled out his phone, turning on the camera, and starting a video, pointing the camera at Ness. “You’re right, there are a lot of things I don’t know,” he said. “However, I do know that your friend’s hand is on fire.” 

Ness and Lucas jumped, and screamed when they noticed the small circular burn mark on Ness’ hand. Joker began to laugh, despite Lucas glaring at him as Ness grabbed handfuls of leaves from plants at the edge of the forest to put on his hand as a bandage. He laughed even harder when Ness dropped the leaves, and started yelling that “THEY’RE MAKING IT WORSE!!!” Still laughing, Joker walked over to the dropped and crumpled leaves, nudging them with his shoe. Poison ivy. “You really don’t know what poison ivy looks like?” He asked as Ness blew frantically on his burn. “Come on, let’s go back to the mansion. Dr. Mario’ll have you fixed up before you know it.” Reluctantly, Ness and Lucas followed him, leaving their magnifying glass and paper behind. 

They walked in silence, making their way through confused fighters whose leisure was interrupted by the commotion Ness was making, and Joker’s confident strides through the yard. His moment of pride was cut short, however, when he saw the two women waiting for him at the picnic table where Ness and Lucas’ abandoned playing cards sat. Palutena glared at him, and Bayonetta was trying to hide a smile. Joker cracked a nervous grin, and stuffed his hands in his pockets. “Uh… How was the match?” He asked awkwardly. Palutena’s glare worsened as she watched Lucas helping Ness into the mansion, and then turned back to Joker, who was staring at his feet. “What happened?” She asked. Her eyes could have bored holes through the teen’s skull, and he nervously looked up at the angry goddess. “Everything was going fine until they snuck off into the forest…” he began, put Palutena cut him off. “You let them sneak into the forest alone?!” She shouted, pointing at him. “Hey, I didn’t let them. They snuck off!” Joker retaliated. “When I found them, they were trying to burn a piece of paper with a magnifying glass, and then I asked them what they were doing, and then they started arguing with me, and Ness got distracted and the magnifying glass moved so the light would be on his hand, and I was too busy trying to tell Lucas that he was supposed to let me know if they were going somewhere else, and then Ness noticed his hand was burning, so then he grabbed some random leaves from a plant to try to use them as bandages, but it was poison ivy, so then I took him back up here so they could see Dr. Mario.” 

He took a deep breath as he finished, staring at Palutena, waiting for her response. Bayonetta was still silent, but she looked like she was enjoying the scene quite a lot. Palutena’s eyes remained narrowed as she stared at Joker, seemingly trying to figure out if he was lying or not. “I didn’t do anything to them. Honest.” He said, staring back at her. It was silent again, before she sighed. “Whatever,” she said, running her fingers through her long, green hair. “I’ll have a talk with them about sneaking off after they’re done with Dr. Mario.” With that, she turned around and retreated into the mansion. A few seconds passed, before Bayonetta finally spoke up.

“Were they annoying?” she asked. Joker nodded. “Very,” he answered. “I considered letting Ness burn a hole through his hand if he kept annoying me.” Bayonetta smirked and ruffled his hair. “I was half-expecting you to have stabbed them, to be completely honest.” She said, and Joker laughed. “How was the match, really?” he asked. Bayonetta rolled her eyes and placed a hand on her chest. “Oh, dreadful.” She replied. “I almost had to beg for something to happen.” They both laughed, before Joker felt a tug on the back of his shirt. He turned around and was met with Lucas’ angry face glaring up at him. “What do you want?” Bayonetta asked, and Lucas replied by sticking his tongue out at her. He turned back to Joker, and crossed his arms. “Palutena told me to tell you that you have to apologize to me and Ness,” he said. Joker raised his eyebrows and chuckled. “So?” He replied. “You’re not the boss of me.”


End file.
